Saying Yes or No

Do you have trouble saying ‘No!’? Are you sure? We actually say ‘no’ all the time. Here’s how.

1. Unconscious Nos

Every ‘no’ has an unstated ‘yes.’ Every ‘yes’ has an unstated ‘no.’ Whenever you say ‘yes’ to one thing, you say ‘no’ to something else.

When you say ‘yes’ to attending law school, you say ‘no’ to attending medical school at the same time. When you say ‘yes’ to a movie, you say ‘no’ to the orchestra that evening.

When you say ‘yes’ to someone else’s priority, you say ‘no’ to your own. When you say ‘yes’ to doing a task rather than delegate it, you say ‘no’ to getting out of work on time or doing another task.

2. Selective Memory

We remember events selectively. We remember the difficult nos, but forget the times we successfully said ‘no.’ We remember the times we felt we shouldn’t say ‘no’ and forget all the nos that had no emotional atachment.

3. Telephone Solicitation

• We say ‘no’ most of the time to telephone solicitors. ‘No’ takes many forms.

• We say ‘hello’ then hang up the phone as soon as the caller identifies themselves.

• We say “don’t bother me” then hang up.

• We listen to the pitch, say we aren’t interested, then hang up the telephone.

• We say “I don’t accept telephone solicitation at my home. Take me off of your list.” Then the solicitor hangs up.
  
  All are forms of ‘no.’

At Work Ways to say ‘no’ include:

• "Oops! John? You may not be aware, but that’s Mary’s expertise, not mine.”

• "I’d like to consider doing this report for you, but I have three reports ahead of yours. If that’ll fit within your time frame, I’ll consider it. If not, you may want to ask someone else.” (If they can’t ask anyone else, at least they know they’ll have to wait or take action to get the priorities changed.)

• "Mary, I want you to tackle this report. I know you haven’t done this type of assignment, but I’ll help you when you need it.”

• "Ms. Boss, you may not recall you gave me the Johnson account on Monday and said that account is my priority. Help me re-prioritize. Is this assignment my new priority, or is the Johnson account still first?”

Anytime – Take Time to Think - Delay your Response

• If saying ‘no’ is hard, say ‘Maybe.’ You don’t need to make an on-the-spot decision all the time. Reply, “Maybe. Ask me again tomorrow.

• Ask for more time to decide. “I can’t decide right now if I can serve on this board and give it the attention it deserves in light of my other priorities. Give me [be specific] an hour ( or until lunch today) to think about it.” If they can’t give you more time, say, “If I must decide now, I decide no. Ask me again when you can give me more time to decide.”

• Look thoughtful. Put your hand on your chin and ask them to repeat their request. Give yourself time to think. Then say, “I don’t know. Sounds interesting, but let’s talk again after I’ve had time to form some questions.”

Remember The Boy Who Cried “Wolf!”

The boy who cried ‘Wolf’ was ignored when there was a wolf — no one believed him because he had made his cry meaningless with repetition.

When we say ‘yes’ too often, our ‘yes’ becomes watered down, meaningless. If we agree to serve on the board of every organization that asks, our energies get divided, our time for each eroded, our effectiveness wasted. Rather than becoming selective — we become “Yes” people. When we refer to other people as ‘yes’ people, it’s not a complement.

Saying ‘yes’ is like crying ‘Wolf!’ You only get so many meaningful ‘yes’-es.

Keep your ‘yes’ meaningful by balancing it by saying: ‘No!’

© 1998 Helen D. Volk All Rights Reserved

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